


Notebooks

by byckybrnes



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Recovering, backpack full of angst, backpack headcanon, bucky barnes headcanon, my emotional state is just fine now because of it, thanks seb stan for the information about this topic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-06
Updated: 2016-05-19
Packaged: 2018-05-31 17:34:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6480076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/byckybrnes/pseuds/byckybrnes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Collection of notes written by Bucky after the of fall of S.H.I.E.L.D and HYDRA.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Page one

First fist fight at age 8 (helping Steve?)

Rebecca is hospitalized for some sickness in ‘31

First job at 14? 15? 

Steve wore newspapers in his shoes

Sarah? Who is Sarah? 

July 4th, a birthday? 

Captured in ‘43 by HYDRA

Punk? Jerk? Is that a line from a movie?

Coney Island? Cyclone? Steve was there. 

Steve was hospitalized for three weeks from sickness

A snowy mountain top and then black, followed by a bitter cold

Helping Rebecca with schoolwork

Ma made the best cherry pie

32557038- a code?

Broke first bone at the age of 11? 12? (Steve was there)

Baseball with kids? Neighborhood kids?

Summer of 1936 was hot

Black cat named Theodore, Rebecca’s?

Howard Stark was an alcoholic

Woman in a red dress? Peggy something…

Steve is stubborn as hell

First real kiss at 16? 17?


	2. Page two

The taste of something metallic

Electric shocks 

Needles in both arms, taking blood

“Wipe him” 

Sergeant Barnes 

Connie? Bonnie? 

A science fair with a flying car? Howard was there, so was it during the war? No…

Blackout

Steve had asthma...was he colorblind too?

Steve likes art a lot

Paint shopping? Steve couldn’t pick colors so I helped

Steve knows Sarah… relative? 

Rebecca wanted to be a journalist? Novelist? 

Someone had tuberculosis and died...someone close to Steve

“You will be the new fist of HYDRA”

“You don’t want to be punished, do you?” 

Punishment was the confinement room

Bleeding wrists from restraints 

Faceless screaming… mine?

Children screaming 

“Who the hell is Bucky?” 

“You’re not a free man. You belong to HYDRA”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little sad I'm sorry...


	3. Page three

Kennedy assassination...was that me?

Did I kill Howard Stark?

Black Widow (Natasha?)...I shot her

The man with Steve… the winged man… was he in the war with us? 

Steve geeks out over art history

At that museum...I laughed in that video… when was the last time I laughed? 

“Never go weaponless”

“I had him on the ropes”, is that from a movie?

“Wipe him, and start over”

Steve was the man on the bridge. Steve Rogers. He recognized me. 

They cut me open without drugs to check for pain tolerance. I bleed out and nearly died before they injected me with some liquid and stitched me back up

More screaming...definitely a child screaming

Green eyes… scared. My hand around their neck? 

More pain tolerance tests. They submerged me under water for long periods of time. 

“Bring my son home safe, Barnes. No fighting”

Sarah is Steve’s Ma

Rebecca cried herself to sleep the night before I left for the war

I don’t remember wanting to go to war...but I remember faking that I did want to...why?

The army food sucked

I saw a guy get his face blown off right in front of me… he didn’t even scream

I wrote letters to Rebecca… did she get them?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay..this chapter is even a little more sad than the previous. Oops.


	4. Page four

The man with wings… Sam? He wasn’t in the war like I thought

I killed Howard Stark 

Tony Stark is Howard’s son

Zola tortured me for years

I know the taste of my own blood, and others

I know what dying feels like

I remember my left arm falling off

The doctors listened to The Beatles 

“You’re nothing to us but an Asset”

Rumlow (?) strapped me to a chair and beat me because I didn’t listen to him 

“Not without you!”, another movie line? 

Steve kept losing his house key after Sarah died

Steve sent someone to the hospital… broke their arm? Leg? Nose? 

A woman begged for mercy and I didn’t give it to her

An orphanage and a bomb (?)

Pierce liked Lacrimosa 

“Your name is James Buchanan Barnes”

Rebecca played piano

The diner on the corner had good burgers

I liked Billie Holiday

Steve saved me from Zola in ‘43

Steve didn’t come for me in ‘45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe one day I'll write a happy chapter...one day.


	5. Page five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter is a result of reading [this](http://byckybrnes.tumblr.com/post/143059300917/buckys-relationship-with-steve-may-be-the-only) and [this](http://byckybrnes.tumblr.com/post/143132165027/isinla-beni-skati-oh-no). Thanks Sebastian Stan.

I went rogue

It took them months to find me

I remember hiding in Russia, Italy, England, and parts of the U.S. 

Memories came easy before that incident 

When I returned they started shocking me

They beat me to the point where I couldn’t sit

I was confined into a white room most of the time

The cryo states lasted longer 

I can’t remember if it was before or after Howard Stark’s death

I visited Steve’s grave

Pierce cut me when I didn’t listen 

Rumlow would watch

Zola’s face still haunts me when I close my eyes

I dream about killing Steve...and liking it

I wake up in cold sweats every night

I miss Rebecca

Howling Commandos: Me, Steve, Dum Dum, Morita, Jones, Montgomery, Dernier 

If the mission went well, a certain doctor let me pick the music while they touched up my arm

It was a trick because they knew I wouldn’t pick because I was scared and clueless

My days are more and more of a blur

I keep remembering screams that I know aren’t mine

I don’t know how much I can take


	6. Page six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CA:CW spoilers ahead

I remember all of them now

I remember every scream 

I remember each bullet

I remember each stab 

I remember my hand around each throat

I can’t sleep at night anymore now that I remember 

It took me two months to remember them all

Karpov probably still has that book 

I don’t want to see Steve, not right now

Tried to sit in a theater to watch a movie, couldn’t finish it

Karpov didn’t talk much. Pierce did. I realize now it was another way of manipulation

I miss Brooklyn 

I miss Rebecca

I found a radio station that plays older music 

Steve liked Ella Fitzgerald 

“I had him on the ropes” isn’t a movie line, Steve and I said it

“No, not without you” isn’t a movie line either, I said it to Steve

I did sign up for the war, with Steve. But I didn’t want to

My memories feel hazy, but they are coming back faster now

Every siren outside my window scares me

I found gloves to cover up my hands

I read about Washington D.C. in the newspaper. I caused that. It’s my fault


End file.
